Stream of Consciousness: Lifelong Love Story

Working on healing the nasty things within me has caused me to turn around and look at my past. I don't know if it's because the girl I was then had these same issues and my current self is relating to her or what. That could be it for sure. 

I had a very turbulent relationship in college that shaped me forever. The abuse, manipulation, and the coming of age that happened within me during my college years is something that I will cherish forever. I had to go through some really traumatic things to be the person that I am today. I had to be told I was dumb, stupid, not pretty enough, an annoyance, and more to become who I finally am today. And now that those feelings are coming up organically within me, I'm looking back at the time when they came from an outside source to see how I can handle them better internally. 

Back then, I let any negative talk take over completely, so much so that I eventually lost every bit of resemblance to myself internally. I look at pictures of myself back then and feel nauseous because I don't know who that girl is at all. And, I'm terrified that's happening to me right now. I don't want to look back at myself in two years and be sickened by the girl I see.

But now, I have the mental strength to stop myself and say "hey that isn't nice to say to yourself" or say "you shouldn't think that about that person because you really don't know their situation". I now have the knowledge and strength to see things from a different perspective and not be so judgemental or not so much in my head. 

It's going to be a never-ending journey, but the journey to comes into your full self never really stops does it? It's a lifelong love story. Never-ending, always evolving, eternally loving. 

Time For The Real Me

2020 really sent me to an internal place that I've really come to disdain. I feel so judgemental, negative, and down all the time, and in return, feel like those ugly thoughts and feelings have begun to reflect on the outside. 

With unlimited time to think and overthink and makeup stories in my head, I began to believe them. I began to believe that people were trying to step on my toes and push me out of my spot; I began to believe that were talking about me behind my back; I began to believe I wasn't being included in certain friend groups and conversations. 

While some of those things have turned out to be true, I need to stop letting them affect me so much. I used to never let other's words or lack thereof affect me like this. I never was too in need of being accepted, but I am now. I want everyone to like and love me outwardly when I don't think that was the case before. Maybe it was, and the constant insolation has tricked me into thinking that no one likes me and has caused me to hate myself. 

I've lost the real me and I want her back. So, in an effort to do that, I'm going back to the things I know and love and am going to ignore the people that have caused these thoughts within myself. From now on, they are just coworkers, and I am me. 

I am hardworking, spiritual, loving, beautiful, kind, smart, funny and I love myself. 

That will be my new morning mantra. 

It's time to get this ugly version of myself out of my body that my mind invented and embrace the beautiful one again. 

That is my new life intention. 

Sorta Daily Gratitude - December 23 - 25

December 23 - 25

These past few days I am grateful for:
  • good music and the invention of live streams to still be able to experience some incredible sets from my favorite artists
  • Discord and Facetime for keeping me connected with my most important people  
  • being grateful for what I have and not needing to keep asking for more and more
  • naps
  • being able to cook a good meal. I cooked a super healthy but filling meal for Christmas and it was very satisfying 

Daily Gratitude - December 22, 2020

 December 22, 2020

Today, I am grateful for:

  • walks on the beach with my family
  • the ability to be able to work from home
  • people who are kind
  • being able to have influence and make a difference in the music industry
  • having a very open line of communication with my partner 
  • my bed

Meditation Reflection - December 21, 2020

I just did my first meditation for the first time in a really long time and it brought up some really interesting thoughts and feelings within me. 

I set my intention to live a more authentic life. My mind immediately brought up some things in my life that are both authentic and unathentic. 

Things that are authentic:

  • my love for these spiritual topics and diving into my consciousness and unconsciousness
  • my love for movement and connecting with my body, mind, spirit, and Earth through that movement
  • my full-time job at a company I really love

Things that are unauthentic: 

  • some people I'm involved with for work purposes. This year with them has just felt very fake and that energy has really been not sitting well with me all year. I want to wait it out until shows come back and we can interact in person so I can really assess the situation. But all in all, some true colors have been shown and I've just been ignoring it but it's obviously really affecting me on many levels. 
Super interesting what comes up when you just let the mind go. The mind knows. The body knows. The spirit knows. They all know what's up and it's up to our conscious mind if we want to act on it and deal with it or not. 

I'm going to keep reflecting and working on these things. My spirit needs it badly. 

Conjunction Manifestations - Saturn and Jupiter in Aquarius

As you've seen, Saturn and Jupiter are in conjunction as we speak (well, type/read). Saturn brings discipline and commitment while Jupiter brings optimism and expansion. On top of the great things these planet's conjunction has to offer, Jupiter and Saturn are crossing paths in Aquarius, not only bringing in a big conjunction but also bringing in the Age of Aquarius.

Here is a definition of the Age of Aquarius:

A common position expressed by many astrologers sees the Age of Aquarius as that time when humanity takes control of the Earth and its own destiny as its rightful heritage, with the destiny of humanity being the revelation of truth and the expansion of consciousness, and that some people will experience mental enlightenment in advance of others and therefore be recognized as the new leaders in the world.

This meaning, this is the perfect time to create a new world and reality for yourself. 

Here's what I am manifesting: 

  • moving out and creating my place of solstice in 2021
  • making more and more money to stay sustained on my own
  • health for the world
  • raising my consciousness and self-awareness. diving into shadow work. 
  • stop being so hypocritical and just stay in my lane - a true sign of self-awareness
What are you manifesting tonight?


I love doing currently's because it's a nice little snapshot of this moment in time. It's time to start doing these again. 

listening: Eco - CloZee Remix of Axel Thesleff
eating: homemade Zupa Soup. SO GOOD.
drinking: water, water, coffee...
wearing: Athliesure. That's all I've worn in 2020 really.
feeling: tired but motivated to get work done.
weather: cold and overcast. 
wanting: to write for myself more. It's truly all I have.
needing: to EAT. I'm constantly hungry this time of the month if you know what I mean. 
thinking: about everything I need to do now to leave town for NYE. 
enjoying: my job. I'm so grateful and really love what I do. 
reading: NOT ENOUGH. I don't read like I used to and don't like that! Definitely something to fix in 2021. 
writing: not much :/ I really want to make this more of a priority. Another thing to fix in 2021. 
hoping: to move out next year for good. I say this every year and it never happens. 
craving: Something unhealthy that I definitely shouldn't be eating. 
obsessing: over music. As always. 

What are some of your responses to these?