Stream of Consciousness: Lifelong Love Story

Working on healing the nasty things within me has caused me to turn around and look at my past. I don't know if it's because the girl I was then had these same issues and my current self is relating to her or what. That could be it for sure. 

I had a very turbulent relationship in college that shaped me forever. The abuse, manipulation, and the coming of age that happened within me during my college years is something that I will cherish forever. I had to go through some really traumatic things to be the person that I am today. I had to be told I was dumb, stupid, not pretty enough, an annoyance, and more to become who I finally am today. And now that those feelings are coming up organically within me, I'm looking back at the time when they came from an outside source to see how I can handle them better internally. 

Back then, I let any negative talk take over completely, so much so that I eventually lost every bit of resemblance to myself internally. I look at pictures of myself back then and feel nauseous because I don't know who that girl is at all. And, I'm terrified that's happening to me right now. I don't want to look back at myself in two years and be sickened by the girl I see.

But now, I have the mental strength to stop myself and say "hey that isn't nice to say to yourself" or say "you shouldn't think that about that person because you really don't know their situation". I now have the knowledge and strength to see things from a different perspective and not be so judgemental or not so much in my head. 

It's going to be a never-ending journey, but the journey to comes into your full self never really stops does it? It's a lifelong love story. Never-ending, always evolving, eternally loving. 

Time For The Real Me

2020 really sent me to an internal place that I've really come to disdain. I feel so judgemental, negative, and down all the time, and in return, feel like those ugly thoughts and feelings have begun to reflect on the outside. 

With unlimited time to think and overthink and makeup stories in my head, I began to believe them. I began to believe that people were trying to step on my toes and push me out of my spot; I began to believe that were talking about me behind my back; I began to believe I wasn't being included in certain friend groups and conversations. 

While some of those things have turned out to be true, I need to stop letting them affect me so much. I used to never let other's words or lack thereof affect me like this. I never was too in need of being accepted, but I am now. I want everyone to like and love me outwardly when I don't think that was the case before. Maybe it was, and the constant insolation has tricked me into thinking that no one likes me and has caused me to hate myself. 

I've lost the real me and I want her back. So, in an effort to do that, I'm going back to the things I know and love and am going to ignore the people that have caused these thoughts within myself. From now on, they are just coworkers, and I am me. 

I am hardworking, spiritual, loving, beautiful, kind, smart, funny and I love myself. 

That will be my new morning mantra. 

It's time to get this ugly version of myself out of my body that my mind invented and embrace the beautiful one again. 

That is my new life intention.